So many things on my mind lately and I stop to look at Seth and realize I haven’t actually seen him in a few days. Yes I’m here. He’s fed and safe and he’s provided with lots of things to play with but Mommy is worrying about IEP meetings and Mommy has an appointment with the DAN! Doctor and has hours of preparation beforehand, and Mommy is exhausted and “Here doll, go play with this, but no, I can’t play with you now.”
Always, always trying to fight for my special needs daughter and my typical son gets pushed to the sidelines and I’m in the middle. Help her now? Help him later? I try to be conscious of his needs but hers are greater and they are acute and I can’t ever seem to do it all.
Sometimes he instigates, but more often than not, at three years old, with his sister freaking out, he stands in front of her with a soft, calm voice, “Riley, Riley, it’s okay Riley.”
He chatters in the back seat after dropping her off at school, listing which episodes of which DVD’s they can’t watch, because Riley is afraid of them. He's not resentful about it. Just making conversation.
Will he forgive me when he’s older?
Will he be independent and strong? Riddled with anxiety?
This weighs on me heavily, all the time, everyday.
Searching for answers, I study a favorite quote, tacked to the wall above my writing desk. It’s from Emmanuel’s Book, compiled by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton:
“Q: How can we stop worrying about the ones we love?
A: By trusting the absolute wisdom of each soul. Worry is distrust, put into a slot that seems socially acceptable. If you say, ‘I am worried about my children,’ everyone says, ‘yes, of course,’ and thinks you are a good parent. But if you should say, ‘I really don’t trust the Divine Plan,’ what do you think the reaction would be?”
So Seth, I am going to trust your precious soul; that you knew what you were doing when you picked this crazy family. I’m going to love you and I’m going to fail you and I’m going to tell you how sorry I am when I do, and I’m so glad you are part of this family, as we go down this crooked path together.
About Me
- Michelle O'Neil
- I've written for Literary Mama,The Imperfect Parent,Cool Cleveland,The Mad as Hell Club and the anthologies pictured below. I'm also a contributor to Hopeful Parents. In recent former lives, I worked in radio news and as a registered nurse. I blog about one Hot Toddy,two great kiddos,spirituality, autism and whatever else tickles me. Our daughter Riley is nine and has Asperger's,our son Seth is seven. Thanks for stopping! Make yourself at home.
Anthologies I've contributed to:
Countdown to Riley's Service Dog
I support gay marriage
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- The Pioneer Woman
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- Working With Words
- Writer Unboxed
8 comments:
Oh, Michelle, so well said. Start saving now, 'cause "the other one" is gonna need time on the leather couch. We have chosen to be very frank with our "typical" child (the one that sees a shrink weekly and takes 3 meds). We tell her how hard it is to be Wil's sister, it's not fair, but that's the way it is, sorry.
Every kid will find their own way in the way that works best for them (remember my post about divorce?). Seth will grow up with many difficulties, but also learning some valuable lessons to use when he goes out into the world to share himself with other people. All you can do is love him and trust him - you're absolutely right. Trust yourself and your instincts, Michelle. The fact that you worry about it means you're a "present" parent. And Carrie's right - I fully expect both of my "normal" children to log some time on the therapist's couch when they grow up. We can't anticipate all of our foibles as parents.
Are you giving yourself enough credit? After reading all your posts, I think you are doing a better job than you think you are with Seth. You are an incredible parent - you are expressive and present. How much more can one person be? Parenting is the hadest job imaginable and I can't even imagine parenting a child with special needs. Keep up the good work - you are an inspiration to us!
Are you giving yourself enough credit? After reading all your posts, I think you are doing a better job than you think you are with Seth. You are an incredible parent - you are expressive and present. How much more can one person be? Parenting is the hadest job imaginable and I can't even imagine parenting a child with special needs. Keep up the good work - you are an inspiration to us all!
Are you giving yourself enough credit? After reading all your posts, I think you are doing a better job than you think you are with Seth. You are an incredible parent - you are expressive and present. How much more can one person be? Parenting is the hardest job imaginable and I can't even imagine parenting a child with special needs. Keep up the good work - you are an inspiration to us!
Are you giving yourself enough credit? After reading all your posts, I think you are doing a better job than you think you are with Seth. You are an incredible parent - you are expressive and present. How much more can one person be? Parenting is the hardest job imaginable and I can't even imagine parenting a child with special needs. Keep up the good work - you are an inspiration to us!
Michelle - I love the quote. So true that the worry is usually doubt and lack of trust in costume, ready to put on a brave front.
No easy answers on this issue, the other comments have hit the high points. However, I'd say Seth has a better chance of growing up more sensitive and caring than bitter and resentful.
I worried about this a lot as well. My boys are 20 months apart. The youngest has been listening and learning all along through the ups and downs of his older brothers exciting and eventful life. You will find that Seth understands, as he seems to already.
Over time our youngest did develop some anxiety. At the time, we saw that he would need something extra for once. The older one was having a rough time too, but you find a way. We also make sure that both get to see the therapist and vent as needed. We have incorporated this guy into our family structure as a resource that anyone can initiate in order to always have an objective person there to listen and bounce things off of. It seems to help. Of course we don't want our non special needs kids to suffer or be shortchanged. It's a balancing act and it is exhausting most of the time. Tantrums and phobias and frustrating IEP meetings were the worst for my son between 6 and 10. That was a very tough time.
I think your awareness, intuition and intent will see you through. If you listen carefully, you will hear it when Seth really needs you. The times when he can get by he will.
Definitely find time to breathe though. You have to take care of yourself in order to spread yourself out. I learned that I couldn't be the mother my son needed (or the mother I wanted to be) when I worked too many hours, I was just spread too thin to have the patience needed for everyone. So even though we needed the money, I cut it back to half. It makes a huge difference. Never feel guilty, you are a good mom. It shows. All you can do is your best, and your best won't always be good enough, but it will have to do. I have no doubt you are putting at least that into it, probably more. :)
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