So many things on my mind lately and I stop to look at Seth and realize I haven’t actually seen him in a few days. Yes I’m here. He’s fed and safe and he’s provided with lots of things to play with but Mommy is worrying about IEP meetings and Mommy has an appointment with the DAN! Doctor and has hours of preparation beforehand, and Mommy is exhausted and “Here doll, go play with this, but no, I can’t play with you now.”
Always, always trying to fight for my special needs daughter and my typical son gets pushed to the sidelines and I’m in the middle. Help her now? Help him later? I try to be conscious of his needs but hers are greater and they are acute and I can’t ever seem to do it all.
Sometimes he instigates, but more often than not, at three years old, with his sister freaking out, he stands in front of her with a soft, calm voice, “Riley, Riley, it’s okay Riley.”
He chatters in the back seat after dropping her off at school, listing which episodes of which DVD’s they can’t watch, because Riley is afraid of them. He's not resentful about it. Just making conversation.
Will he forgive me when he’s older?
Will he be independent and strong? Riddled with anxiety?
This weighs on me heavily, all the time, everyday.
Searching for answers, I study a favorite quote, tacked to the wall above my writing desk. It’s from Emmanuel’s Book, compiled by Pat Rodegast and Judith Stanton:
“Q: How can we stop worrying about the ones we love?
A: By trusting the absolute wisdom of each soul. Worry is distrust, put into a slot that seems socially acceptable. If you say, ‘I am worried about my children,’ everyone says, ‘yes, of course,’ and thinks you are a good parent. But if you should say, ‘I really don’t trust the Divine Plan,’ what do you think the reaction would be?”
So Seth, I am going to trust your precious soul; that you knew what you were doing when you picked this crazy family. I’m going to love you and I’m going to fail you and I’m going to tell you how sorry I am when I do, and I’m so glad you are part of this family, as we go down this crooked path together.